The last three weeks have been difficult. I expected the marathon experience to be this overwhelming feeling of excitement, relief, joy, and accomplishment. I hate to admit that it hasn't been all roses. I've felt this nagging sadness that I can't quite shake. It took me almost three weeks to proudly say, "Running the Marathon was awesome". I've missed my running friends, even though I know they are only an email or a phone call away. I've felt empty...how do you take months of training leading up to one of the most amazing experiences of your life and go back to the normal everyday?
I was looking through people's blogs and came across one that summed up everything I am feeling. This post from Laurie made me remember I'm not alone in feeling this way. It also helped to see Lauren and Lindsey comment on the post.
Still I wonder, how does life continue on? How do you take the most amazing experience of your life, something so few people can do, and go back to normal? The truth is I do not want to go back to normal. The truth is I don't want normal. This experience has shown me that there is more out there, more that I can do, more that I can be. This experience has caused me to question my dreams and reach for the stars no matter how far they seem. This experience has taught me that even when I fall on my face (both figuratively and literally), that I need to brush myself off and keep walking. The only way to continue on is to put one foot in front of the other. So when the sadness, emptiness, numbness hits, I have one thing to do. Push myself through it. Remember that I ran the FREAKIN' Boston Marathon, hold my head up high (even when no one else is asking me about it), and set a new goal for myself.
And most importantly, remember that this was an amazing experience, filled with amazing people and amazing new friends. Thank you Dad for the strength to do this. Thank you Dana-Farber for this amazing, life changing opportunity.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
A week and a half to ponder
This is the post you all have been waiting for...the post of all post...the acknowledgement that I ran the Boston Marathon.
I know several of you have been waiting for this post to come out. And while the ideas have been circling in my head for quite some time, I have not been ready to write it. I've had an array of emotions since the big day and at points have not been sure which way is up. But today, a week and a half later as it is still sinking in I am ready to write this...After all, Chet said to me the other day, "You ran the Boston Marathon!!! Aren't you in awe of yourself?"
And the answer is sometimes. I put so much pressure on myself to complete this race, raise as much money as I could, fight back from injuries, while still having a life and a job. I'm honestly not sure how successful I was at managing everything. It has taken me a week to accept that I set out to do what I wanted: run a marathon (Boston at that)and raise money for cancer research. I was part of something so small (550 people small!!!) but so big and so important. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best, to do the best and when I finished I wondered if I could have done better, if I could have done more. The honest truth is that I've done so much for myself. I've helped the DFMC program towards its goal of $4.5 million.
It sounds strange to say, but the five hours that I was on the course (5:02:14 to be exact) were a blur. I was surrounded by two amazing women (thank you Tracie and Heidi) who helped me push through the pain. Tracie and Heidi were my running buddies for the majority of the race. Heidi and I met at the first timers' run and I will be forever grateful for our friendship. I met Tracie and her sister Stacie at the last DFMC meeting. The women lost their father recently. Tracie was also battling back from IT Band injury (just like me). I know that Tracie's father and my father were looking down on us smiling. I told Tracie that our father's were most likely having a class of wine and commenting on how crazy we were.
I talked to my knees (and for that matter Tracie's knees) when the pain started to be unbearable. I thanked my Dad for an amazing beautiful day. I listened to the crowds as they screamed "Go Marcy" and "Thank you Dana-Farber". I laughed at the guy in the Tweety Bird Suit. I met other DFMCers along the way (thank you Steve for being so awesome). I pushed myself through 17 miles with the knowledge that my Mom, Sandy, and Chet were right past that point. I am grateful to Chet for running the hills with me and being patient as I grumbled. I am forever indebted to Susan and Marisa for flying all the way to Boston for a little thing called the marathon. I couldn't have gotten through the last 5 miles without them. I am thankful for my friends who let me give them big sweaty hugs (Kate, Kerry, Angela) and for seeing other friends along the course.
I think I expected for my heart to be healed but this reminded me that it never will be. I wanted to see my Dad at every turn. I wanted him to hug me when I crossed the finish line. While neither of those things happened, I am glad to have been able to honor his life. I know he was with me every step of the way. I know he will always be with me.
To be honest, the marathon never seemed real and it still doesn't. What reminds me that it was real (aside from the occasional nagging pain in my legs), is all of the amazing people I have met. I am grateful for their support and kindness. What reminds me that it is real is the fact that I have a medal to wear around my neck. I have a very smelly jersey, which I am debating ever washing. I have the knowledge that I finished the Boston Marathon and that Nothing is Impossible.
Now I'm ready for my next adventure......
I know several of you have been waiting for this post to come out. And while the ideas have been circling in my head for quite some time, I have not been ready to write it. I've had an array of emotions since the big day and at points have not been sure which way is up. But today, a week and a half later as it is still sinking in I am ready to write this...After all, Chet said to me the other day, "You ran the Boston Marathon!!! Aren't you in awe of yourself?"
And the answer is sometimes. I put so much pressure on myself to complete this race, raise as much money as I could, fight back from injuries, while still having a life and a job. I'm honestly not sure how successful I was at managing everything. It has taken me a week to accept that I set out to do what I wanted: run a marathon (Boston at that)and raise money for cancer research. I was part of something so small (550 people small!!!) but so big and so important. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best, to do the best and when I finished I wondered if I could have done better, if I could have done more. The honest truth is that I've done so much for myself. I've helped the DFMC program towards its goal of $4.5 million.
It sounds strange to say, but the five hours that I was on the course (5:02:14 to be exact) were a blur. I was surrounded by two amazing women (thank you Tracie and Heidi) who helped me push through the pain. Tracie and Heidi were my running buddies for the majority of the race. Heidi and I met at the first timers' run and I will be forever grateful for our friendship. I met Tracie and her sister Stacie at the last DFMC meeting. The women lost their father recently. Tracie was also battling back from IT Band injury (just like me). I know that Tracie's father and my father were looking down on us smiling. I told Tracie that our father's were most likely having a class of wine and commenting on how crazy we were.
I talked to my knees (and for that matter Tracie's knees) when the pain started to be unbearable. I thanked my Dad for an amazing beautiful day. I listened to the crowds as they screamed "Go Marcy" and "Thank you Dana-Farber". I laughed at the guy in the Tweety Bird Suit. I met other DFMCers along the way (thank you Steve for being so awesome). I pushed myself through 17 miles with the knowledge that my Mom, Sandy, and Chet were right past that point. I am grateful to Chet for running the hills with me and being patient as I grumbled. I am forever indebted to Susan and Marisa for flying all the way to Boston for a little thing called the marathon. I couldn't have gotten through the last 5 miles without them. I am thankful for my friends who let me give them big sweaty hugs (Kate, Kerry, Angela) and for seeing other friends along the course.
I think I expected for my heart to be healed but this reminded me that it never will be. I wanted to see my Dad at every turn. I wanted him to hug me when I crossed the finish line. While neither of those things happened, I am glad to have been able to honor his life. I know he was with me every step of the way. I know he will always be with me.
To be honest, the marathon never seemed real and it still doesn't. What reminds me that it was real (aside from the occasional nagging pain in my legs), is all of the amazing people I have met. I am grateful for their support and kindness. What reminds me that it is real is the fact that I have a medal to wear around my neck. I have a very smelly jersey, which I am debating ever washing. I have the knowledge that I finished the Boston Marathon and that Nothing is Impossible.
Now I'm ready for my next adventure......
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