This post is brought to you by the letter "A"

For me, the letter A currently brings to mind many words: Ambitious, Adventurous, Amazing, and Avoidance.

Last night brought the opportunity to run in 55 degree weather. I have recently been avoiding running certain routes I love because I was afraid of running into certain people who live in my neighborhood. Last night as I laced up my sneakers, I realized that I could no longer avoid running this route. Why should I skip doing something I love out of fear? Was my avoidance doing anything to help me? Why was choosing to let fear rule my life?

On my run, I thought about all of the "A" words in my world. I thought about all of the things I have been avoiding (starting my fundraising, taking control of my future, cleaning my room, confronting those that have hurt me). I thought about my ambition, my drive and my determination to run another marathon, to make my life better, to deal with my future head on. I thought about the adventures that I want to undertake for me and not for anyone else. I thought about how amazing it is to be able to think about doing all these things, but how amazing it will be when I am able to truly accomplish them all.

In my last mile, I was no longer thinking about my avoidance or the letter A. I was thinking about how amazing it was to run 4 miles in the middle of January in shorts. I was thinking about how it felt to be out there moving, listening to my breathing, and accidentally running through puddles.

So long letter A, thanks for a great 4 mile run. Now onto letter B.....

Only a marathon runner would say the following....

After being sick for nearly three weeks with a sinus infection plus the after effects of the medicine, my appetite is finally semi-back to normal. There's only one problem...

I can't stop eating!!

At first I blamed it on the weather and putting on my winter weight and then I realized....

I'm not putting on winter weight. I'm putting on marathon weight.

I forgot that at some point during training season your body decides it is constantly hungry. I need to make sure that I am eating every 2-3 hours and that I have enough food to eat. So this morning I started with oatmeal and for a mid-morning snack I had almonds and dried cranberries. And it isn't even 10:30am.

If I'm eating this way in mid-January, it's going to be a long training season.

Keeping the Faith

*This Post is dedicated to my good friend Gillian. I love you.

Over the last week, I have thought a lot about the idea of faith. Those of my friends and family who know me well are probably sitting there thinking, "You aren't a very religious person. What the heck are you talking about faith for?"

The truth is that faith for me is not about religion. Faith for me is about having confidence and trust in myself. I have found many times over the last few years that I have lost my faith in myself and others. I have doubted myself and my choices. I have wanted to throw in the towel and walk away from everything.

Over the last week, despite being sick, I have realized that I need to continue to have faith. Faith in myself and my choices. Faith in my ability to do and achieve everything of which I dream. Faith that I am the only person that can make my situation and my life better.

I have struggled with training over the last few weeks but one friend put me in my place, "It will all come back to you. It's early. Take it easy and let it."

I have faith that I will once again be able to run Boston (hopefully injury free). I have faith that I will be able to once again raise money for Dana-Farber and help do my part to cure cancer. I have faith that this experience will once again bring me closer to those I love and help me to realize my dreams.

When things get difficult, we need to find a way to Keep the Faith. We need to remember that each of us (individually) is the only person who can ever truly determine what we want from life.

And when all else fails....watch Keeping the Faith:

Winter weather and sinus infections

For the last two to three weeks, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. It started with a sore throat and slowly moved to my head and sinuses. I finally went to see the doctor yesterday when the dizziness and pressure was too much. Her response was "You've been sick for awhile. I do not think it has turned into a bacterial infection but we should take care of this now." Four different drugs later....

I realize this is usually my time of year to get sick but I have honestly been trying to push through the illness in hopes that it will miraculously go away. I've been too busy with work, too busy with training, too busy trying (and failing) to get my life in order. I realize as I sit here and write this that I need to take care of me because no one else will. I need to make sure I am getting what I need physically and mentally to get through the day and take care of everything else. When I start feeling sick, I need to assess how I can feel better. When I avoid doing something, I need to determine why I am practicing avoidance. I am the only one who can take care of me and I need to start doing that from here on out.

I have spent the last two days at home exhausted waiting for the sinus pressure to lift. I have been trying to do work despite being incredibly dizzy and home sick. I've been trying to focus despite my head pounding. I haven't run since Sunday and all I want to do is sweat.

On my way to get my medicine from CVS, I had the cruel awakening of winter...I slipped and fell on a sheet of ice. So now aside from my headache, my butt is also killing me.

Maybe staying inside on the couch for another few days is a good idea.

Heartbreak you will not break my heart (or my inagural post of 2010)

Today, for the second time in four days, I ran Heartbreak Hill. On Thursday, I did the Thursday (went to Crossroads). Jeff convinced me to head out to Woodland and run the hills with him. As the subway slowly approached Woodland, I had feelings of dread wash over me. Could I really run 9? Was my body well enough? Was I really strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to get through the hills? Am I really strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to get through my crazy life?

During both runs, I started to have the clarity for which I've been searching. Thursdays run was relaxed and easy. I ran with Jeff for most of the run, then with Stephanie and Melissa. Today, I started my run with Amanda, Courtney, and Stephanie and ended up finishing my 10 miles with Maggie. The route took us out the marathon route and back up the hills. I ran the hills out with Stephanie but returned by myself. As I started running the hills and looking up at heartbreak, I kept saying my mantra over and over again "Heartbreak you will not break me. Heartbreak you will not defeat me." It's called heartbreak hill for a reason!!

And yet....as I climbed the hill (albeit slowly) with my legs burning and my glutes aching, my heart felt at ease even for a few minutes. This year's marathon is not only about raising money for Dana-Farber and honoring those who have battled this horrible disease we call cancer. It is about healing my body, my heart, my spirit, and my mind. It is about remembering that I am stronger than I think and fighting to remember that in my lowest moments. It is about remembering that DFMC is my family and with them I can be myself. It is about letting the tears flow when they need to but pushing forward to become a better Marcy.

The last six months I have seen a lot of changes in my life, personally and professionally. On many days, I feel feel the physical pain. There are some days where it feels as if nothing is going as planned. We have two choices when we reach our limits, when we feel things spinning out of control. We can either grab life by the horns or we can wallow in ourselves.

My father was always the "Take life by the horns" person. He had such optimism even in his final days. He never showed his sorrow or depression even when everything he had ever loved was taken from him. I have asked him for a sign that I am making the right decisions in my life and have yet to see the "sign" for which I am looking. But as I sit here writing this, I realize that for me taking life by the horns means facing heartbreak head on. Looking it in the face and screaming (if need be) "Heartbreak, you will not defeat me. Heartbreak, you will not break me down." I am making a promise to myself today and you, my fair readers, must hold me to this: On Marathon Day, I will not let Heartbreak Hill defeat me. On Marathon Monday, I will not let the hills or the pain stop me from reaching my goal. I will not let heartbreak (or for that matter any of the hills) stop me. They will only push me forward and know that on the other side is the downhill for which I've always been waiting.