Today, for the second time in four days, I ran Heartbreak Hill. On Thursday, I did the Thursday (went to Crossroads). Jeff convinced me to head out to Woodland and run the hills with him. As the subway slowly approached Woodland, I had feelings of dread wash over me. Could I really run 9? Was my body well enough? Was I really strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to get through the hills? Am I really strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to get through my crazy life?
During both runs, I started to have the clarity for which I've been searching. Thursdays run was relaxed and easy. I ran with Jeff for most of the run, then with Stephanie and Melissa. Today, I started my run with Amanda, Courtney, and Stephanie and ended up finishing my 10 miles with Maggie. The route took us out the marathon route and back up the hills. I ran the hills out with Stephanie but returned by myself. As I started running the hills and looking up at heartbreak, I kept saying my mantra over and over again "Heartbreak you will not break me. Heartbreak you will not defeat me." It's called heartbreak hill for a reason!!
And yet....as I climbed the hill (albeit slowly) with my legs burning and my glutes aching, my heart felt at ease even for a few minutes. This year's marathon is not only about raising money for Dana-Farber and honoring those who have battled this horrible disease we call cancer. It is about healing my body, my heart, my spirit, and my mind. It is about remembering that I am stronger than I think and fighting to remember that in my lowest moments. It is about remembering that DFMC is my family and with them I can be myself. It is about letting the tears flow when they need to but pushing forward to become a better Marcy.
The last six months I have seen a lot of changes in my life, personally and professionally. On many days, I feel feel the physical pain. There are some days where it feels as if nothing is going as planned. We have two choices when we reach our limits, when we feel things spinning out of control. We can either grab life by the horns or we can wallow in ourselves.
My father was always the "Take life by the horns" person. He had such optimism even in his final days. He never showed his sorrow or depression even when everything he had ever loved was taken from him. I have asked him for a sign that I am making the right decisions in my life and have yet to see the "sign" for which I am looking. But as I sit here writing this, I realize that for me taking life by the horns means facing heartbreak head on. Looking it in the face and screaming (if need be) "Heartbreak, you will not defeat me. Heartbreak, you will not break me down." I am making a promise to myself today and you, my fair readers, must hold me to this: On Marathon Day, I will not let Heartbreak Hill defeat me. On Marathon Monday, I will not let the hills or the pain stop me from reaching my goal. I will not let heartbreak (or for that matter any of the hills) stop me. They will only push me forward and know that on the other side is the downhill for which I've always been waiting.
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2 comments:
Marcy, I am with you! (in spirit; in body, I am still hiding out in my warm apartment :-> ) Challenges come in so many forms.
Marcy I am inspired by your will and motivation. I am tackling my third attempt at being a consistent runner and am aiming to run the Hampton Half at the end of February. Started at 5k's, didn't think I could run more than that- then to a 10k, followed by the Falmouth (7.1) and now onto a half. Although the half (and beyond that a marathon) still seems daunting to me, I am motivated to see you and other friends of mine take on that challenge. On another note, my grandfather passed away from his two year battle with brain cancer on June 18, 2008 and I am happy that you are running for such a great cause! Keep up the training and I'll see you in the Spring.
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