Heartbreak you will not break my heart (or my inagural post of 2010)

Today, for the second time in four days, I ran Heartbreak Hill. On Thursday, I did the Thursday (went to Crossroads). Jeff convinced me to head out to Woodland and run the hills with him. As the subway slowly approached Woodland, I had feelings of dread wash over me. Could I really run 9? Was my body well enough? Was I really strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to get through the hills? Am I really strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to get through my crazy life?

During both runs, I started to have the clarity for which I've been searching. Thursdays run was relaxed and easy. I ran with Jeff for most of the run, then with Stephanie and Melissa. Today, I started my run with Amanda, Courtney, and Stephanie and ended up finishing my 10 miles with Maggie. The route took us out the marathon route and back up the hills. I ran the hills out with Stephanie but returned by myself. As I started running the hills and looking up at heartbreak, I kept saying my mantra over and over again "Heartbreak you will not break me. Heartbreak you will not defeat me." It's called heartbreak hill for a reason!!

And yet....as I climbed the hill (albeit slowly) with my legs burning and my glutes aching, my heart felt at ease even for a few minutes. This year's marathon is not only about raising money for Dana-Farber and honoring those who have battled this horrible disease we call cancer. It is about healing my body, my heart, my spirit, and my mind. It is about remembering that I am stronger than I think and fighting to remember that in my lowest moments. It is about remembering that DFMC is my family and with them I can be myself. It is about letting the tears flow when they need to but pushing forward to become a better Marcy.

The last six months I have seen a lot of changes in my life, personally and professionally. On many days, I feel feel the physical pain. There are some days where it feels as if nothing is going as planned. We have two choices when we reach our limits, when we feel things spinning out of control. We can either grab life by the horns or we can wallow in ourselves.

My father was always the "Take life by the horns" person. He had such optimism even in his final days. He never showed his sorrow or depression even when everything he had ever loved was taken from him. I have asked him for a sign that I am making the right decisions in my life and have yet to see the "sign" for which I am looking. But as I sit here writing this, I realize that for me taking life by the horns means facing heartbreak head on. Looking it in the face and screaming (if need be) "Heartbreak, you will not defeat me. Heartbreak, you will not break me down." I am making a promise to myself today and you, my fair readers, must hold me to this: On Marathon Day, I will not let Heartbreak Hill defeat me. On Marathon Monday, I will not let the hills or the pain stop me from reaching my goal. I will not let heartbreak (or for that matter any of the hills) stop me. They will only push me forward and know that on the other side is the downhill for which I've always been waiting.

I think my body is falling apart and other joys of getting older

About a month ago, I developed a rash on my back and ankle. When I saw the doctor she told me it was just bug bites and that it would go away with an extra strength hydrogen cortisone cream. Fast forward to Monday...I go back to the doctor's office because the rash on my foot has not gone away; In fact it keeps getting worse. She immediately sends me to the dermatologist who chats my ear off for 30 minutes and the takes a biopsy sample. We are not just talking about a small scrape of the foot, we are talking about a chunk of my ankle the size a pea. In addition to the rash on my foot, I also now have a huge blister between my fourth toe and pinkie toe, and a rash on my shin, and strange bumps on my thighs and palms. No, I haven't been rolling around in the woods. I'm not sure what all this is from.

But clearly my body is trying to tell me something...

I believe that your body shows external signs of stress, sometimes before you even realize you are stressed. Your body reacts to stressful situations by doing odd things. Think about it, is there someone who just gets on your nerves or rubs you the wrong way? How does your body react when you see that person? Do you get a knot in your neck, in your stomach? Do you have a muscle twitch? Are you tongue tied? How does your body react when you are in both good stress and bad stress situations?

My body is clearly trying to tell me something, but I can not figure out what. Maybe I am playing too much soccer and I'm just having a reaction to my shin guards; maybe I'm not sleeping enough; Maybe I'm not eating the right foods; Maybe my body wants me to make some sort of life change. Maybe my body is finally saying enough of all the stress.

I'm not sure what it is....but I'm trying to figure it out. In the meantime, my toe hurts from the blisters, my ankle itches and hurts from the rash and biopsy, and the rash on my leg keeps growing larger. All in all, it's a pretty good day.

Oh, and did I mention I lost a toe nail?

My new found electronic love...

I have never understood the obsession with video games. I equate video games to overweight dorky boys (and men!!!) who have no social skills(I know I'm insulting some of my readers but bear with me). I've never understood the desire to sit in front of a television or a computer in the house and press buttons and blow things up. I'd rather be outside or anywhere else doing anything else...until now...

To say I like my Wii would be correct. To say that I am falling in love with my Wii Fit would be an understatement. The people at Nintendo got it right this time...totally marketing to people like me...active, fun, and hating to sit still.

We hooked up our New Wii Fit last night and I played for several hours. While some of the things are easy, I was informed that my balance is off and that I'm terrible at balance related activities. I even broke a sweat doing some of the strength training.

I hate to admit it but I am starting to enjoy video games. I am hoping that the Wii Fit helps me to exercise at home a bit more and gives me some other activities to do when I am short on time. I can not wait to get home tonight and do more strength and yoga poses. I can not wait to beat my high score on the slalom. And finally, I am hoping that it helps me lose the 5 lbs. I've gained since the marathon.

More importantly though, I can finally tell all my guy friends, "I like video games too (and I am gonna look damn good when I'm done playing)".

I'm slow and I'm over it

I went to my second track work out last night. We had the option of doing 800s or mile repeats. The group I was in decided to run mile repeats.

We did a 1 mile warm up and then started with the work out.

Mile repeats (4 x 400) with a few minute rest in between each one.

My group consisted of Shifter, Lauren, Lauren, Mary-Ann, and myself. Our first mile was 8:50!! Way faster than I usually run. We started the second mile and I started to lag behind. I knew there was no way I could keep up a 8:50 pace for 4+ miles, even with breaks in between each mile. I completed two more miles probably pacing around 9:15-9:30 and realized I was done running. I did one final cool down lap and watched as everyone else completed several more miles. 4 and 1/4 miles total for me(including warm up and cool down)

I admit I was distracted. There were people playing soccer on several different fields. All I could think was how bummed I was that I hadn't been able to go to my Monday game this week. I also have not been running that much nor am I training for anything right now. I don't consider myself out of shape, but maybe not as motivated to run.

Going to track workouts is enjoyable. Everyone is so encouraging. But there is also a sense of frustration. So many people on our team are amazing athletes and so competitive. I've always considered myself an athlete, but being around them makes me question my strength. These people are hard core and I am not a hard core runner. I will never run a 6 minute mile. I will never qualify for Boston. I keep going to track workouts so that I can still be part of the group, still socialize with my friends, and keep moving. Evetually maybe I will get faster, but that is not my main goal.

The group went out for drinks and food after the run. I left the bar last night with a mix of emotions. I am so happy to be part of this group, but I also at times feel disconnected. I need to remember that I am going to these runs for me and no one else. No one judged me when I would be the last one in from group runs during the winter months. No one judges me at track either. It is OK if I have no idea how to maintain 80% pace for 1 mile or even if I have no idea what 80% is. It is OK if I only do 3 miles compared to everyone else who does 4, 5, or 6. It is OK when someone says to me, "I could have done more" for me to reply: "You did what you wanted to do. You did what you could do. And tomorrow is another day." It is OK for me to take my own advice.

This evening, I will play soccer and love every minute of it. Tomorrow, I will do whatever I want: go for a run, a spin class, yoga, lift weights. Or maybe do nothing at all. Because it is all about what I want for me....

I'm slow, I know it, and I'm over it. In fact, I kind of embrace it. It allows me to get lost in my thoughts, enjoy the scenery, and remember it's all about me.

A strange emotion

I am sitting here reading through previous posts, most specifically the posts right before and after the Boston Marathon. For some reason the one from April 20th really hit me....and I started doing something I haven't done in quite some time...I started crying.

What is this strange emotion? Is it because I am stressed out about my final exam? Is it because I've had an exhausting week of work and it is only Wednesday? Or is it because I can finally call myself a marathon runner, even if I never run another one again.... Or is it because I've come so far personally? Something no one will ever take away from me.

I'm not sure why, but I have an overwhelming rush of emotions. The only thing that makes sense to me right now though, is to go for a run.

The last nerd standing

In high school, I dated athletes. In college I realized that although the athletes I dated were hot, their brain power was lacking. And though I never made a conscious effort to stop dating athletes, all of a sudden I was dating nerds. Now, don't get me wrong...nerds are hot!!! I'd rather a man with brains than a man with a killer body and nothing in his head (I'd actually rather a nerd with a killer body and an amazing personality, but I digress).

But here's my questions: What do you do when you become the nerd?

I admit I'm ultra competitive in everything I do. And more than that, I am a perfectionist (we can thank my mom for that). It comes out in everything I do, from work to cooking to playing soccer. And currently, my school work....

I am currently taking a Nutrition class at Simmons College. I am taking the class for free through work and although the material is hard, I am thoroughly enjoying it. We had our midterm this past Monday and it was much harder than I expected. Between the midterm and class discussion, I lamented to my professor how much harder the exam was than I expected. Her response was, "Well, I said before that grades truly fall on a bell curve". My response to her was, "Well, I want to be on the top of the bell curve" (I really meant I wanted to have the highest grade in the class which would have meant the far right side of the bell curve but you get what I mean). Her response was, "Marcy, you are a perfectionist." To which I replied, "I know." She then told me that that was what got her through her PHD.

Fast forward to Wednesday: She puts the grade breakdown on the board and starts to hand back the exams. Only four people scored in the 90-100 range.

What did I get??? A 96%!!!!

After class my teacher told me she was never worried about my grade. A feeling of content washed over me. Have I found my calling?? Am I really a science geek in athlete's clothing?

Can an athlete be a nerd or a nerd be an athlete? Can I be successful at being both?

For now, this athletic nerd is going to glow in her 96...that is until she takes the final next Wednesday.

Maybe slower than the gingerbread man

Last night I went to my first track workout with team TNT. TNT is made up of mostly DFMC teammates and a few other friends. I have been unable to go to the workouts thus far, but have wanted to be a part of the group (it goes along with my team theory from a previous post). I also want to get faster, run harder, and remember why I love running.

I got to the track and was greeted by several familiar faces. Laurie explained the track workout to us while we waited for team captain Matt. As I listened to her all I could think was "What did I just get myself into? I have no idea what she is talking about?".

So here is what we were scheduled to do:

1 mile warm up (4 x 400 or 4 laps around the track)
3 x 400 (3 laps)
1 x 400 (at about 90%, speed trial pace (or something like that))

Based on your place for the last 400, you were matched with your partner for the rest of the run. The first place person matched with the last, etc.

I, of course, was last. I was matched with the first-time marathon qualifier Jeff.

The next plan was as follows:

6 x 400 each person (alternating runners)
1 lap stretch
6 x 400 each person (alternating runners)

The problem was that with the slowest person being placed with the fastest, the slow person would have less time to rest and be running the entire time.

Luckily, there was a solution. Mary-Ann and I teamed up and split up the running duties. This means we got twice the amount of time to rest and ran less. perfect solution.

Overall, I completed about 4-5 miles.

I was very worried about going to the track. I haven't been running very much and I know I am very very slow. So many of these runners are super stars and I wasn't sure what to expect. I've only been running 3-5 miles at most and only once or twice a week.

During my 400s, I listened to my breathing (and wheezing-damn asthma). I focused on my legs and my arms. I listened when a teammate passed me and cheered me on. I ran without a watch, without worrying about my speed, I just ran.

When I finished I felt great (perhaps a runners high?). While I didn't do the complete workout, I did what was right for me. I was happy to be out there. I was happy to be supported by friends. I am starting to remember why I used to love running.

Mr. Gingerbread Man, eat my dust!!!